A New Day
A New Day Prayer (author unknown)
God has given me this day to do with it as I wish.
What I do with it is important, because I am exchanging for it a day of my life.
I want it to be good not evil, love not hate, joy not sorrow,
In order that I shall not regret the price that I have paid for it.
There have been days that have passed me by, that I know I did not fully appreciate. They were the tougher, more challenging days. The days where I may have felt a bit under the weather. The days when that slow driver pulled out in front of me as I rushed off to work. The days where I had 30 people on my wait list, and I had no idea how I was going to get everyone in. We all have those days where we have felt totally overwhelmed and overtired.
While I was appreciative of my physical capabilities, I didn't know what it was like to be without physical strength and stamina for an extended period of time. Over twenty years of working as a physiotherapist, I treated many people with chronic pain. Though I did not know the full extent that chronic pain can take on physical, mental, and emotional well-being. I treated people with chronic fatigue. While I did deal with aspects of fatigue, other than the side effects of having mononucleosis in my late teens, I have never been down and out for such an extended period of time.
"Life can change in the blink of an eye."
It was the middle of May 2021, that my pain and fatigue progressed significantly. "Is this what it is like to die?" I found myself resting about 50-75% of my waking day. Going to bed wasn't even something to look forward to, as the pain was worse at night when lying down. Night pain is typical of cancer. Managing the pain left me feeling extra tired, foggy and groggy, even though it was natural remedy. Mid-day, I could lie down and sleep for 2.5 hours. During this 6-week period, I watched more Netflix and television, than I had for the entire previous year. I'd rather have been hiking, kayaking, cycling, but I no longer had the energy for these activities. I had to discontinue helping at my friend's farm. While I wasn't bed ridden, there was nothing in the tank. I had no appetite and was losing weight. Weight that I could not afford to lose.
You can't have healing without hope, and I could feel the hope being drained. Or was this simply my life force leaving my body? I am in an in-between stage, of planning to live and preparing to die. According to the surgeon and oncologist (seen recently), I have already surpassed the medical systems life expectancy for my diagnosis. It has only been the last few days that there have been improvements in my energy level (though still limited), appetite, and pain levels. Because of the lack of appetite, I elected to do some IV nutrient therapy with the naturopath. This gave me a bit of a boost. I did another ETA scan with Cameron Moffatt, Osteopath in Victoria (Coastal Integrative Health). He treated the lungs, where additional tumors were recently revealed, and we developed a plan of care. Both have inspired hope. I did adjust my pain management strategy as well, so am feeling less groggy and foggy. Though I still tend to nap (30 minutes) mid-day.
Each day is a new day. Some days are going to be more challenging than other days. I do not have a plan for tomorrow anymore. I really do just wake up and take each day as it is given. Today I had enough clarity and focus to sit and write. I had enough energy to clean part of the house. Tomorrow, I may or may not do some yard work. I will see what the new day brings.
"My prayer today is to not be negative about anything for one day. It is so easy to be disappointed, critical, cynical. Nothing is easier than to be a negative person. It takes effort to be hopeful and positive. People will say that you have to have a reason to be positive - what reason do the poor or lonely have to be positive? If we all waited for perfect conditions in our life before we felt hopeful, we would have very few days in life to celebrate. Perfection is rare. Hope means no matter how bleak, all things can and do change in the blink of an eye.