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Stranger In The Dark 

My stamina is not what it used to be prior to living almost a year with the diagnosis of stage IV colon cancer.  I was feeling the best I had in all of my adult life. It was a routine colonoscopy, no signs or symptoms, that lead to the diagnosis.  I continued to work while doing researched and deliberate treatments of my choosing.  Having read Radical Remissions by Kelly Turner, PhD and Dying to Be Me by Anita Moorjani, I knew that "incurable" means to cure from within.  What would I have to give up in order to live? 

Things changed in May, 2020 when I started to experience pain between my shoulders and vomiting a couple times a month.  Anemia as a result of one of the IV treatments (Artesunate) had led me back to eating some red meat to help boost my red blood cells to combate the hemoglobin urea. There were no episodes for six weeks from the beginning of September until mid-October. Then after eating red meat again, the bowel stopped working. It was too inflamed. My tumor marker count was high. To follow was ten days of excruciating pain, significant weight loss, that ended with a colostomy surgery.  The surgeon did remove the "small" tumor in my colon and I set off on my journey of recovery.  It has been almost three months since my surgery and my stamina is still not what it used to be. One day I hike my favorite Holland Creek 6 kilometer hike and then walk Bauer the 2 kilometer farm loop. It is pure joy watching Bauer running through the fields, tail a wagging as he follows what I suspect are the field mice. The next day I feel the fatigue of the previous days' adventures. My go, go, go, has got up and gone. 

Who is the stranger in the dark?  

I can feel the cold crawling slowly along your skin

Only a thin, worn layer of protection

There is no fire in your belly

Enveloped by the darkness of the night 

Numbing haunting thoughts that cast shadows on your soul 

Reptiles lurking close at hand, waiting for the moment to strike 

You dare not to let down your guard 

Exhausted

Wrestling the demons

Surrender...will it bring death? 

Will it bring peace?

Let go,

Allow your soul to dance around the fire, with the shadows

A Source of Light exists to cast a shadow

The shadow is but you in different form.

Light will warm you

It will guide you.

It will keep reptiles at bay.

Shine the Light of your Love upon that Stranger in the Darkness. 

This morning as I listened to Entering the Castle, I was taken into the cocoon to dissolve my need for "meaning and purpose." To let go of who I project myself to be. The me that the world has come to know. What is it that I am meant to do in a world that has gone insane? I too know the feelings of anger and righteousness. What would I be prepared to take up arms and fight for or defend? Does it have to be about "power over" to quote Brene' Brown?   Could I ever get to a place in my life that I could choose to give up the need to have everything work out the way I wanted it to, in order to allow it to work out fair and just for someone else? Perhaps for that stranger lying in the cold and dark night. That stranger addicted to heroin or meth because he or she is numbing out the painful thoughts that have hijacked their minds. How is it that we can sit safe and warm from the raging storms and judge that stranger? I do not know their circumstances.  Where would I be now without the safety net of friends and family? I know I would not likely be sitting by the warmth of the fire writing this blog. 

Could I, would I, should I... give up my need to have everything work out for me in order to allow it to work out for someone else? Power with is possible when we can dance with our own shadows, knowing they are part of us. Hug your dragons. Love your dragons. Know that everyone has their own reptile. You can be the light you want to see in this world. 

Thank you for listening.