What Were You Thinking?
Caroline Myss, says to "pray like you are crazy." That is what I have been doing. One of the prayers that I have said is:
"If it is my time to go, help me transition peacefully. If it isn't my time, illuminate my healing path and guide me."
I shared this with a friend. She told me that she felt "resistance" in that prayer. That perhaps I was giving the Universe a mixed message. She said, "You are telling the Universe to take me or don't take me. Which one do you want?"
I know that I have the power within me to choose what it is I think, believe, and feel. I have the power to take certain actions that may contribute to my healing process. I chose to not do chemotherapy (which for my diagnosis was never presented as a cure, but only as a way to possibly extend my life) and chose instead what are considered more "unconventional" treatments for cancer. This choice honoured my internal intuitive, and my desire for quality over quantity of life.
I also believe that there is a Higher Power (aka God). That not everything is within my control. Actually, through dealing with cancer, I have come to realize, that I have a lot less control than I thought I had (or wanted to have). I am not expecting God to save me, but rather praying for continued guidance, strength, fortitude, and courage.
Both my will to live and my Spirit are very strong. The Resilient Survivor Archetype, is fully operational and working overtime. Back in May and June 2021, when my pain levels were going up and my strength and stamina were on a steady decline, I could feel my Spirit weakening. I didn't just give up. I booked another session with Cameron Moffat who does the ETA scan and homeopathic treatments. I also booked in with Dr. Waddy for an IV booster bag, to help me get more nutrients into my cells. Again, it was my internal intuitive that guided me to these practitioners for further treatment. I am happy to report that my condition has improved (less pain and more stamina) over the last 1.5 months.
From the book Power versus Force by David R Hawkins M.D. (I might have to re-read this book), one message I took away was the scientific calibration of the frequency of different words, thoughts, and feelings. That fear, guilt, blame, and shame all had a very low vibrational frequency (all below 200). While love had a higher vibrational frequency (about 500 hz). This concept would support that what we think, and the words we choose are important.
The teaching that your thoughts create your reality though often lead us to blame the person who is dealing with a disease or illness, or a tragic loss. Blaming isn't going to help with the healing process. From all that I have researched, a disease such as cancer has multiple causes. There are genetic mutations, which Dr. Siddhartha Mukherjee (oncologist) has been studying. You can find him on Youtube. The study of Epigenetics, (Biology of Belief, by Bruce Lipton), outlines how genes are influenced by the environment. Think of all the toxins that are now out there in the environment, and in processed foods.
"Leave blame at the door" - Caroline Myss
Moving beyond the physical realm, we have our "Energy Anatomy". Caroline Myss is an amazing teacher of our energy anatomy, Why People Don't Heal, Sacred Contracts and the power of pray. Caroline discusses how we lose or leak power, and how that can affect our health. It is said, "With God, all things are possible." but "is this God's will or my will?"
In his teachings, Robert Ohotto, author of Fate versus Destiny, has used the phrase "bipass books". These are the self help or personal improvement books, that send the message that you are not "enough". But if you follow the guidelines or steps outlined, then you can get to "enough." It has been through my study of Robert's work for the past 3 years, that I have been able to recognize that I am enough. I am flawed. I am imperfect. But I am still enough. I am not working (part of my Rescuer complex), and no longer am in the position to financially support people (part of Blood Donor complex), but I am still enough. I am sure Robert would say, "Leave shame at the door." He also teaches that it is not, "change your thoughts, change your life" but rather:
"change your patterns (archetypal) change your life."
From personal experience, it is very, very challenging to not feel fear and blame, when first hearing the words "stage IV cancer". I wanted a rational explanation. I wanted to understand how this came to be. What thoughts, actions, inactions of mine contributed to this diagnosis? Partly, I think because if you can figure out how this came to be, perhaps you can cure it. I came out, guns a blazing, researching, reading, watching documentaries on strategies that dealt with cancers. I credit both Robert's and Caroline's teachings on guiding me to "leave blame (and shame) at the door." To recognize that I have been dealt a certain hand (fate), but I get to choose how I play that hand (destiny). I don't know how the game will end, regardless of how well I play my hand.
"I release my need for rationale explanations, and orderly instructions of God's will for me."
Entering the Castle - Caroline Myss
This prayer is part of the Prayer of Entry by Teresa of Avila, a Spanish Carmelite nun, who lived in the 1500's. Listening to Entering the Castle has been part of my morning routine for several years now.
"I am guided. I am cared for. Every prayer is heard and every prayer is answered. I am a channel of Grace, Healing and Service, as God directs my life." Entering the Castle
Throughout this process, I have never had the intuitive sense that this is meant to kill me. Deep down, there is a sense that this is about transformation. It is about being able to put into practice, all that I have been studying and learning along the way. There is a knowing that this is part of my Sacred Contract. That being said, for all the world to now see, I also do not claim to know what my future is to be.
What I am aware of is that I am being guided. That my faith has grown stronger through this experience. That my intuitive listening skills have been enhanced. Mostly because I am taking the time now to be in silence and listen. To ask for guidance in my prayers. While I did pray prior to the diagnosis, I never "prayed like I was crazy" until now.